"You never asked me to change, but I became what you needed and that reworked something deep inside of me."
Well, hello my beautiful people! I hope you are enjoying the everyday beautiful things that are in the pre-holiday and holiday season. We all know I am a sucker for the Holiday season, but the more I dive into it I am always in quite a bit of "pretty pain" during the holiday season. This is an odd phrase and I am fully aware that it is a weird phrase. I am a sucker for sitting in a feeling; no matter if it is happy, painful., or whatever it may be... I might need to sit in it to call on that strength at a later date. I am a firm believer that I know when there is a feeling I need to remember, and I do just that.
That being said, I wanted to talk about change.. because since the last time I talked to you so much has happened and I have been forced to adapt in so many ways. Good and bad both. I titled this post what I did because I realized while sitting in mass (Yes, I went to church for the first time since Easter Sunday and was truly present.) that I have only changed because I felt that is what someone wanted; not because they asked.
There is something that I will never forget from my breakup with my long-distance boyfriend in 2020. I sat there and was like "I did this, this, and this, for you! Why are you doing this when I care that much?" He looked at me and said, "I never asked you to do that. You chose to do that." and it still sounds just as hurtful as it did the day I heard it. I am a firm believer that if you love someone they don't have to ask; you just do it because you care for them.
Another moment from my most recent breakup comes to mind, and it is truly why this blog is named what it is. Whenever we decided to go our separate ways before my birthday; I looked at him and with tears, in both of our eyes we were talking about how much we have grown in the presence of each other. We were really great for each other at one point or another in the past two years of our lives. When he had his arms around my waist and stood there saying, "I cannot change into who you deserve right now." I told him "People don't change, and I fell in love with you knowing that people don't change. So.." He cut me off and let out a small sob, "No, but you changed. You have changed into someone who is strong, and powerful. Your aesthetic has changed, the way you think has changed, you have changed." I then responded with tears in my eyes and what felt like a frog in my throat, "I didn't change. I evolved. That small-town southern girl is still here, and she will never leave." We smiled and hugged while crying in each other's arms and we were honestly scared that this would be the last time we ever spoke.
We know now that he and I kept in touch, and we have recently stopped communicating to give each other the space needed to grow, but that didn't keep my mind from racing to that conversation this Sunday. He never asked me to evolve. He never asked me to change the way I look or how I talk or the way I think. All this man did was ask me to accept him as who he was/is in my life. I did that unapologetically knowing that I love hard and that there was a very good chance that this was going to hurt. Let's be honest in the fact that I am 21 years old and in one of the most populated cities in America. It's not like I am still in that small town and the dating pool is shrinking rapidly and you just need to settle down with the one that checks a majority of the boxes. Growing is inevitable and you do not keep the same people in every single section of your life to allow the growth to occur.
We are building our careers, learning ourselves, and not settling; forcing us to keep our eyes on ourselves and less on others. So, although he never asked me to change... I did. He didn't ask me to become more of a badass, and he didn't ask me to get those promotions or launch that business, but he was sitting right next to my momma cheering me on every single step of the way. He was supporting me emotionally, physically, and mentally. That was my ride-or-die for a hot second and one that helped me change for the better even if he didn't ask for me to do it.
Although I know that he isn't reading this post, because he could never really get into my blog, he knew how much I loved writing.. I do hope that he knows that he was amazing, a great friend, and one of my favorite people to laugh with in the Mcdonald's drive-thru. We may never speak again, I may have said my final goodbye and missed out on my last hug, but I just have to give it to God. I know what's meant for me will come, and at the end of it all... he did not ask me to change, but I did for the better of me, and we were always excited to see me get better just like we would celebrate any little win in either of our lives. When you are this young the people that stick around and celebrate when you aren't sure if you are worth celebrating are truly some of the best humans.
The goal of this post is to talk about how sometimes we change things up in our lives to make sure we fit into others lives. Not that we changed for the worst or that there is anything wrong with the human that we have become, but more than anything... that person never asked for you to change; you morphed into what was needed at the time, and that just shows how much you love them. There is nothing to feel bad about or regret; at the end of the day... it takes a lot of courage to love someone that much, and you have that ability? Look at how amazing you are!
Much love,
Josephine A. Meinardus
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