Life is good... even when it doesn't feel like it
Well, long time no see. I don't have any super great exciting news, no promotion, no"life's been great", nothing that is really worth writing about. Or at least this is what first comes to mind when writing this post. I know that I have plenty of great things to talk about; new adventures, new businesses, updates on old businesses, apartment hunting, nights out with friends, and so much more. Unfortunately, adulting likes to just act like none of that is a big deal. Which is just absolutely frustrating if you ask me.
Life has been tough in a few aspects the past few days. I had a whole post written up that I had actually planned on posting. I wrote it on my way to Arkansas due to the lack of wifi on the plane and the never ending boredom; I felt that it was a good time to write everything in my brain down. Whenever I read through that original post to see if it was ready to post I realized that not only was it not ready to post, but nothing in it was true anymore. I wrote that post right at a month ago and I feel like my world has been kind of upside down since then. Upside down in the best and the worst ways, but not sitting up straight for sure.
I know I don't write on here much, but I really love writing and want to get myself back into it. It is such a stress relief for me. I have noticed that the arts of any kind are a stress relief for me. Do not get me wrong I am not your next rapper or anything like that, but I love creating content, painting, writing, designing, singing, and of course dancing in the rain. What has frustrated me the most the past few days is a few realizations that pushed me to my breaking point at 9am this morning and none of those stress reliefs are readily available.
When being on socials (Because let's be honest that is where I get all of my information from) many are saying that mercury is in retrograde and is heavily messing with my sign and obviously all the signs that are my close friends. When doing some research it is said that is true, but what is most frustrating of all is that we are all going through it and just really tossing that negative energy back and forth! Like truthfully, we all have great lives and are vibing in every aspect except that things are just not going as planned and there are a few kinks in the hose. I am not saying that I am a big spiritual believer or am a person that relies on what the stars are saying, but what I am saying is that I feel like there is a pattern here!
LA recently has been kind of a blood bath. There have been some people pass that were really close to my friends that have become family. I have been trying to heal through a breakup with someone that I had started a business with the week of the breakup and we are choosing to still see that venture through. I have been trying to be there for my friends that have had terribly traumatic things happen to them in the past few days. Pay all my bills. And still somehow have a social life. In other words, this week has been shit and I am writing this on a Wednesday. At this point I am just happy that everyone that is close to me is still breathing. Doesn't keep me from calling my grandmother at 9am to tell her that I think I might actually be crazy and someone needs to admit me because I have truly gotten too deep in my brain! I know I sound silly for even saying that, but I am telling you it made sense to me while I was sobbing.
There were many people that told me that moving to Los Angeles would be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I believed them when I moved out here and was forced to make new friends, learn my way around, and just learn to be me without a southern drawl. I believed them again when me and my long distance boyfriend broke up and I was stuck in a 176 square foot apartment with my mom on the phone while I sobbed daily. I believed them when it felt like COVID was never going to go away and I was going to be stuck without a job in that apartment forever. I believed them when I had to ask my mom for money for the first time since I had moved because things were just a little too tight. I believed them when my ex was sleeping on my couch waiting for his new apartment to be ready for him. I believed them when we officially broke it off and I realized how much I depended on one human to talk to daily to feel a little less alone in this city. I believed them when I heard shots fired or was scared as I was walking up from my car because a man was walking suspiciously close to me. I believed them when the sounds of crickets sounded more appealing than the sounds of bus horns.
However, there were times that I did not believe them. When against all odds I knew I was going to make it out here. I didn't believe them when I moved into my first apartment with a bell cart 3 blocks down the road. I didn't believe them when I was hitting all my sales goals at the bridal salon. I didn't believe them when I got my new job at Irregular Exposure. I didn't believe them when I was asked to clone myself to work at Vera Wang. I didn't believe them when I moved into this new 1 bedroom apartment. I didn't believe them when I was getting coffee in Chicago on a Friday afternoon for the hell of it while on a work trip. I didn't believe them when I rode down the PCH with my besties while we talked about the most recent guys that were sliding into our DM's. I don't believe them when I am bossing up in a meeting that I never thought I would be in while talking to people I never thought I would meet.
All in all, I have had more moments when I haven't believed them than when I have. Life is crazy. It is crazier when you move out of your hometown. It is insane when everyone else is getting married and having babies and you are just trying to make sure a presentation is ready for a company that you want to collab with while sending out cold emails to important people in hopes that they see you. There is a song that my mom showed me ages ago called "Everyone she knows" by Kenney Chesney. This song is all about that phenomenon where you feel like you are almost behind compared to everyone else you see on your socials. Those movies that you see with the two best friends sitting in the bath tub in clothes from their night out with a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other is THE TRUTH about career driven women making shit happen. We are typically tear stained faces when we make it home after hours of holding it together. We are glasses of wine in hope that we can breathe the day out of our bones with some meditation or something of the sort, and there is a very good chance that if we are not in a relationship the phone is on DND and does not move from that.
All in all, life is not bad. Life is different and not what I expected. This is probably not the update that you were wanting with the bubble of Josephine being this perfect put together little angel has been popped. Let's be real... I have never been a perfect angel... I have always just made an effort to hide it. Out here I don't have to. I can say the word "fuck" in a business meeting and tell someone that at 21 I know how they can better run their business. I can wear the short dress and have all the men in the street hollar at me as I pose and blow them a kiss just for shits and giggles. I can do whatever I want out here and still be me at 8am on Monday. As I said... life is good, but sometimes... it likes to give me a couple bruises just to remind me of how good it really is.
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