"Fill your life with experiences, not things."
If you know me; you know I have a tendency to overload myself with too many commitments. If you read my last blog you know that I really started to work almost 24/7 for a second there.... well, God has a way of tripping me up when my schedule looks like I need an intern to keep up with me.
I am a firm believer that if I start to color code my schedule and my days look like a rainbow... if I do not give myself a break - God will make me do just that. It will be a day that knocks me to my knees, followed by panic attacks, anxiety-ridden sleep schedules, and crying over the smallest of things. I start the morning with a cute outfit and my eyeliner being FIRE and then bump the rear of a car with the front of mine with my refresher in my hand, make mistake after mistake in 8 short hours, have to be cut out of my favorite pants because the zipper broke, having to "hold it" for 3 hours until I got home because that is when my zipper deciding to stop tracking down the tracks, getting home to wash off the day with a shower and a load of laundry to then realize Kii's AirPods were accidentally washed and were no longer going to work... In other words... last Tuesday was the day that God took my feet out from underneath me and I tell ya, that ground hurt a little more than it has in a hot second.
I found myself at the end of that day on my knees. Honestly, I have not been knocked to my knees in a little over a year. The difference between the year ago Josephine and the Josephine that stands before you today is... the Josephine back then stayed on her knees. For 6 months I did not feel like I could move. If I tried to stand it would hurt, God it would hurt. I was dealing with heartbreak, isolation, and understanding myself while trying to love the new me. I did not want to put on makeup, I was practically nocturnal, heck... I cried at least once a day for 2 months straight, and I did not know how to stop. It did not matter what state I was in, what time of day it was, or how many people said they loved me... I still cried. I remember a night specifically... that I do not talk about much, but that night turned me into the girl I am today. It was 4 am on my shitty sleeping schedule. My social media was deleted off my phone, so all I did was listen to music and learn about myself in the brief intermissions between songs. I made a specific playlist called, "dance it out." I was in my old apartment bathroom with the music quiet while taking a shower and pretending I was not sad. I got out, dried myself off, looked in the mirror, and laughed. That was the first time I had truly laughed in God knows how long. I smiled, told myself, "Ya know, you are honestly fine as hell and you let someone let you cry like this? Let you act like this? Let you feel like this? Silly girl, you have lost your muchness, and you deserve so much more." I turned my music up as loud as it could go at 4 am and danced in that bathroom until I could not breathe anymore. That is how the Josephine back then turned into the one who...
When this week kicked me in the stomach, teeth, shin, and pocketbook I found myself on my knees in tears again. Instead of spiraling into that cyclone of depression that throws me 3 months into the future having lost everything important to me, I figured the reason I was tossed to my knees was because God wanted me there. He wanted me to calm down, talk to him, talk out the time I truly have, pull him close, and think it out before everything actually went to shambles. I found myself turning off the music in my car while running an errand for my boss. I started crying in the Los Angeles traffic and prayed. I prayed harder than I have in a long time. I prayed not for money, not for Gucci slides, or the Dior sandal heels I have been aching for. Instead, I prayed for understanding, for learning from my mistakes, for being someone he can run his plan through without a worry that I will buck it anymore. I realized it had been a hot second since me and the old man sat down and just chatted about how shit always rolls uphill, and how I do not have the ability to say no. It was a good chat, to say the least.
In a roundabout way, I am getting to the fact that when you forget to take your lunch breaks, vacation, and PTO... God will make sure you take it. No matter what you think is important... he will teach you that nothing is as important as being sound of mind.
Much love, and take care of yourself...
Josephine A. Meinardus
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